T Journal
March 1, 2023
Welcome to my T Journal! This is my first entry, currently pre-T. Here I'm going to be documenting my physical and mental changes brought on by starting testosterone. At this moment in time, I'm currently waiting to hear back about my blood results, so I can get my first dose prescribed. I thought this would be a good time to set up a journal now, to establish my original baseline to compare future entries to.
I currently identify as a nonbinary butch lesbian, soon to be nonbinary transmasc butch lesbian.
The start of my testosterone journey actually starts about a decade ago. From 2013-2016 or so, I actually identified as a trans man, and was seriously considering HRT. I never ended up pursuing it, mostly because it was too intimidating to have to come out to my parents and my doctor and school and to have to get everything all set up for HRT, in conservative central Florida. At the time, the cons outweighed the pros to me.
When I started identifying as a butch lesbian, it just... didn't really occur to me that I could still pursue HRT? I still got lots of gender affirmation when I'd get he/him'd and sir'd in public. I put transitioning on the back burner, but I never really stopped thinking about it. Over the years I'd heard of plenty of other transmasc nonbinary people, even other transmasc lesbians, but for some reason it never really clicked that... that could be me! I am also that! I don't have to be a full-fledged trans man to be able to want masculinization hormone therapy! Suddenly all the research on HRT I did a decade ago, all my feelings towards transitioning, all came rushing back in full force. So now I'm finally pursuing it! And writing about my experience here, all the while!
I hope you enjoy reading! I hope documenting my journey on testosterone will make some kind of impact on someone someday, maybe even another nonbinary butch lesbian who might come to realize they want to transition.
Physical changes
As of the time of writing this, I'm pretty sure I already have slightly more testosterone than the average dyadic AFAB person, thanks to my PCOS.
I think my voice is on the deeper side, but still definitely feminine. I'm hoping it drops a decent amount. My brothers don't have the deepest voices, but they're definitely deeper than mine is currently. I'm expecting about the same range as them - I've heard that with HRT, you can expect changes similar to your AMAB relatives. I might try some vocal training - I remember reading about talking from the stomach rather than the throat, but the rest of my knowledge on that is pretty rusty.
My body is very rounded, though my shoulders are already a bit broader than others my size. I definitely have very rounded hips and legs, I'm really looking forward to getting a more masc shape to them. My breasts are already pretty small - I'd be happy whether they end up changing any or not. I already pass a decent amount, if I pick a particularly masc outfit. In the end, I don't really care how much I pass though, I just think it's fun when it does happen. My face is also very round, not much definition on my jawline for now, though I am also fat so it might not change very much anyway.
I already have a decent amount of hair distribution. My legs are hairier than most cis men I know (besides my own relatives), and probably like 15 beard hairs. I know it's a bit silly to sit there counting beard hairs, but like I said, I just want to establish a baseline for my own reference, and for anyone else who cares to read this in the future. I also have a slight widow's peak, and a bit of a happy trail already. I'm expecting a lot of hair growth with T, with my family history.
My skin is already fairly oily, though I don't have to deal with acne very often these days. Not looking forward to that potentially coming back, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there I suppose. I did read that the worst of it should be within the first year, and then get better from there as you adjust to your new normal.
I've always had irregular periods. I'd been on birth control since I was like 15, and stopped having periods entirely when I was on that. I stopped taking BC in May 2022 I think, and I had a few periods after that. At this point in time though, I haven't had one since mid December, and that one was pretty light.
Edit [March 2]: Of course the second I write this I get my period again lol. Well hopefully it's my last one! It is fairly light though which is nice.
As for bottom growth, well... My baseline is fully average, I'd say. :)
Mental changes
I've been in a pretty good frame of mind lately, ever since Latimer and I decided to pursue masculinization HRT. It's taken me a long, long time to fully come to terms with myself. I feel very excited for the future right now.
It's hard to come up with a baseline for my mental and emotional state. I don't know how much I can really come up with, without any frame of reference.
Ever since moving away from my parents, and moving in with Latimer, I'm a lot more stable emotionally than ever before, though I am expecting T to probably shake things up a bit. Hopefully it's nothing we can't adjust to! I'm expecting some kind of irritability (it is going to be puberty 2, after all!) but other than that, the projected changes are so vast and vague and so personalized that there's really no way for me to predict any of it.
Thankfully, I like to think I'm pretty good at being self-aware of my mental state. I'm on medication, and seeing a psychiatrist, so I'm already in the mindset of looking out for any subtle overarching changes to my mental and emotional state.
I can't think of anything else to write here for now! I think a lot of the mental changes entries are going to have to be mostly retrospective.